I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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