you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize