i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
