I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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