I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Randomize
