Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
