You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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