Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Randomize
