and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
