I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
