you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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