Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
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