Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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