What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Pants are for mortals
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
