I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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