Everything about him screamed your future.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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