You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
