Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
