I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
