You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
i was born a porn star she said
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
