Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Randomize
