dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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