Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
