In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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