My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
