I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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