I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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