one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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