everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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