did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
