I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
