peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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