I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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