I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
