I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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