piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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