Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Randomize