now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
