Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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