never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
