Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
