She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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