Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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