something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
