A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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