i wish there were pregnant emoticons
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
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