Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
