My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
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