Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize