I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
