i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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