So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
