New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
