Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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