apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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