a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
