just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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