you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
