The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
