do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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