It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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