i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
As shirtless as possible
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
