In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
