its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
