Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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