I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
All the doctor said was why
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
