I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Randomize
